


One Step at a Time

by roseyong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Inspired by Fanfiction, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Kim Jungwoo, man i need me a yuta in my life, yuta said trans rights y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-02 08:34:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20273014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseyong/pseuds/roseyong
Summary: As soon as Jungwoo wakes up, she justknowsthat today is one of those god awful days.(or; dysphoria sucks, but Yuta helps it suck a little less.)





	One Step at a Time

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Jungwoo, Yuta, and the Realisation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17565419) by [selkieskin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/selkieskin/pseuds/selkieskin). 

> so i kinda maybe sorta fell in love with selkieskin's trans girl!jungwoo fic and decided to write my own drabble from within their au (•/ᴗ/•✿)
> 
> tw for gender dysphoria and very vaguely implied (it's in Korean to prevent triggering someone) thoughts of wanting die

As soon as Jungwoo wakes up, she just _ knows _ that today is one of those god awful days.

The blonde staring blankly at the ceiling, blindly counting the cracks in the chipped paint, the soft breathing of Yuta and Taeil filling the dimly lit room. Jungwoo gritting her teeth as the sudden, overwhelming urge to cry washes over her, pulling her cocoon of blankets just a little tighter around her body, recoiling as her legs bump against each other, the very obvious presence of anatomy that she _shouldn't_ _have _hard to ignore.

She closes her eyes, inhaling deeply through her nose as she rolls over, facing the various posters Yuta had just recently hung about their room, the older a giggling mess as he molded the putty in his hands, Taeil dutifully helping the Japanese man with nothing but a fond smile as the raven chattered on about this and that. Jungwoo herself hanging back when Yuta insisted on taking pictures of each and every member with his brand new, mint green, polaroid camera—which was a late birthday present from Doyoung if she recalls correctly. Johnny's extra ass wasting no time in imitating his fellow member's "iconic" poses, poor Doyoung a flustered mess as Donghyuck too joins in on the teasing, Mark's head thrown back in laughter as he watches his (arguably) two favorite people make complete and utter fools of themselves.

Jungwoo only agreeing to pose for a few photos when Yuta turned to her with his saddest puppy dog eyes yet, her stomach churning as she's forced to look at the pictures of herself, Taeil's compliments on how handsome she'd grown to be unintentionally a stab to her heart. Taeyong and Jaehyun's wolf whistles making her want to curl up into a ball right then and there, just barely managing to mutter a small _"thank you hyungs"_ as she internally shudders.

_ Just hold on for one more day, just keep this to yourself for a little while longer, okay? _ Jungwoo tells herself as she buries her face in her pillow, tears wetting her cheeks as she fights to keep her cries at bay, _ just one more day._

* * *

"-woo? Jungwoo?" Taeyong flicking her square in the middle of her forehead when she fails to respond for a second time, Jungwoo yelping as she snaps out of it, her eyes meeting Taeyong's questioning ones when she looks up. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," She replies softly, looking down at her unfinished crossword puzzle. "I guess I must've zoned out while trying to figure this word out," Taeyong humming noncommittally, obviously not believing a word she's saying—the leader taking great pride in being able to read his boys like an open book.

"Hmm," His lips pursing as he pulls out the seat next to her, lazily plopping down with a thump. "Well, the rest of the guys wanted to know if you wanted to join them in going to the gym," Jungwoo chewing the inside of her cheek as she listens, though it's hard to focus much when she's lumped in with "one of the guys."

"Uh, I think I'll pass," She says after a minute or so, the thought of her getting any more muscular than she already was quite frankly terrifying. "I don't really feel up to getting all sweaty today." Nervously clicking her pen as she waits for Taeyong's reply, honestly half-expecting him to make her partake or something, as this probably meant she'd be the only one in the dorm for quite some time.

"Kay," Taeyong not even batting an eyelash as he pushes his chair away from the table, "We should be back in three hours or so," Jungwoo blinking dumbly as the older shoots her a sympathetic smile, almost _(who is she kidding, he probably did know)_ as if he knew of her current turmoil. "There's some leftover jajangmyeon and bulgogi in the fridge if you get hungry."

"O-Okay hyung," She replies, "Have fun I guess," Already turning her attention back to her puzzle when Taeyong clears his throat, Jungwoo arching a brow as she waits for him to say something more, the awkward silence between them stretching on way longer than necessary.

"Hyung? Is everything alright-"

"Stay safe please," Is all the older says, "Okay?" Taeyong's _"we're all so worried about you" _not directly said, but it's still heard all the same. Jungwoo pressing her pen into her thigh, the guilt she had for causing her bandmates to worry about her leaving behind a sour aftertaste.

"Okay."

* * *

_Taeyong doesn't ask about the bottle of nail polish he finds tucked away in the bottom of Jungwoo's drawer, in fact, he doesn't even blink twice. _ _As it's clear from how the bottle of bubblegum pink polish is purposefully stuffed up under his pile of poorly folded boxers that Jungwoo isn't ready to talk about why he owns what is considered a "girly" accessory of sorts. Though Taeyong takes no offense, because when Jungwoo was ready to talk, he'd be there to listen all the same._

_But when Taeyong borrows the blonde's laptop to catch up one of his favorite webcomics, he begins to wonder if perhaps he should have confronted the younger. Taeyong's face paling when he sees the contents of Jungwoo's one and only open tab, his heart racing as he reads the words on the screen in front of him, his breathing coming out in short, shuddering puffs, his chest frantically rising and falling._

_중앙자살예방센터_

* * *

"Hey, do you know if Jaehyun ate the last of the ice cream?" Yuta throwing open the door to their shared bedroom without so much as a second glance, only tearing his eyes away from Sicheng's messages when he doesn't receive a reply, let alone the usual whines of protest from the younger. Yuta scanning their room for the younger girl only to find it 100% Jungwoo-less and so messy he's sure Kun would have an aneurysm if he were to see its current state. "Jungwoo?"

The sudden sharp clang of something hitting the floor having him running, all the what-ifs that he can't help but instinctively think making his palms sweat. Yuta's mind automatically going to the worst case scenarios, of scenarios he's had to clean up the aftermath of, as certain members among the nine were more prone to slipping than others were. Not that Yuta was complaining by any means, god no.

"Jungwoo?!" He calls out again, his voice teetering on the edge of audibly frightened now, "Jung-" Yuta pausing as he hears something, or rather someone, turn the lock on the bathroom door, the little click it makes the only true indication of the girl's whereabouts. "Jungwoo, it's me—Yuta. Can you let me in please?"

"G-Go away hyung," She sniffles, Yuta noticing how even months after revealing her secret to him, she was still so hesitant in switching to calling him "oppa." Not that this bothered the Japanese man, as Jungwoo being comfortable was that mattered to him. 

"Jungwoo," He starts, his hand instinctively going to rest on the bathroom doorknob, fingers curling around the cool metal as he tries to find the least alarming way to broach this next subject. "Do I need to call Taeyong?" Yuta screwing his eyes shut as he waits for the outburst that's sure to come, only to be met with...nothing? The sound of bathwater sloshing against the side of the tub being the only true sound in the deafening silence that'd washed over them.

"Jungwoo? If you don't answer me, I'm going to call Taeyong-"

"W-Wait," She cries out, "Give me a minute, I need cover up first oppa." Yuta's cheeks reddening as he dumbly nods, awkwardly standing there until he realizes that it'd probably come across as creepy if he were to wait for her, tail tucked between his legs as he rushes back to their room. Flopping face first on his bed as he groans into his pillow, cursing his inability to be all cool and gentlemanly around girls. With it definitely not helping that Jungwoo had called him "oppa" instead of the usual "hyung" he was so used to hearing. _She probably mistakenly called me that, but that's fine, it's not like I like her or anything-_

"Yuta?" Said male jumping up so fast that Jungwoo fears he gave himself whiplash with how quick he whipped his head around, Jungwoo holding back a giggle when she takes notice of just how flushed his face is. "You good?"

"Y-Yeah, of course," He stammers, averting his eyes from hers, "But are you?" Jungwoo rolling her eyes as she motions for him to scoot over, and Yuta does, his heart skipping a beat when she leans her head on his shoulder, her hair tickling at his jawline.

"I'm okay Yukkuri," She says, mindlessly playing with Yuta's fingers, "Just a bad day," 

"How bad 'Woo?" Jungwoo whining before mumbling something into his neck, "It's fine if you don't feel like telling me of course-"

"I took a bath fully clothed," Her voice a faint whisper, "Like the "I'm washing me and my clothes" vine Mark and Johnny never shut up about." Yuta bitting down on his tongue to keep from losing it, because while it certainly wasn't amusing to Jungwoo, the vine reference was the icing on the cake.

"Uh, might I ask as to why you took a bath fully clothed?"

"Because I wanted to treat myself to one of those bath bombs Hyuck got me," She pouts, her lower lip jutting out as she untangles herself from Yuta's warmth. "Y'know, the ones that are strawberry shaped—the ones he got me as a gag gift for my birthday?" Yuta humming as he waits for her to continue with her story, making a mental note to order some more bath bombs next time he does some online shopping.

"I was gonna take a nice, relaxing bath to distract myself from everything wrong in my life, but of course the me looking back at me from inside the mirror just had to go and ruin it," Jungwoo tapping her foot nervously as tries her best to explain, "Never mind, this is stupid. I'm stupid."

"It's really not Jungwoo," Yuta taking her hand, "But I won't press, I just want to make sure that everything's alright right now."

"It is," She says, squeezing Yuta's hand in a silent "thank you" as she flashes him a genuine smile, a sight that has the Japanese's heart racing, butterflies flittering around in his tummy. "I really am quite lucky to have someone like you."

* * *

_bonus;_

_"Hey Jungwoo?" Yuta's voice muffled by their door, "Can you please let me in? My hands are kinda full here." Jungwoo putting her secret stash of makeup aside to go help the older, not bothering to wipe off the pinkish-red lipstick as it's only Yuta waiting for her after all._

_"Coming oppa~" She singsongs, no doubt making Yuta blush as she says so, "Geez, just how much did you spend?" Looking up at the huge box Yuta's cradling in both of his arms with a look of awe plastered across her face. Her roommate staying quiet until he's safely managed to sit the box down on his bed, Jungwoo watching with feigned boredom as he wipes the non-existent sweat on his brow away._

_"A lot," Yuta replies, "But it was definitely worth the price." He adds with an afterthought, Jungwoo crossing her arms over her chest as she waits for him to explain, but he doesn't, instead rummaging about his bedside table for something to cut the tape with. A bright smile tugging at his lips when he finally finds a pair of children's safety scissors, because of course Doyoung had banned normal ones when Jaehyun and Donghyuck nearly cut the tips of their fingers right off._

_"You still haven't told me what it is though," Jungwoo sullenly remarks, "Like yeah, I'm nosy, but please can I know?" Her lips pouted in an overly dramatic frown, Yuta shaking his head in amusement before finally handing the scissors over._

_"Why don't you open it? If you're so curious that is."_

_"Fine then," She huffs, miffed about having to do all the dirty work by herself, but her rambling is short lived, Jungwoo shutting up once she sees what lays inside._

_"You didn't."_

_"But I did."_

_"You really went and bought me a year's worth supply of bath bombs?!?!"_

**Author's Note:**

> i am a trans male—therefore i most certainly don't have firsthand experience as to what a trans female's dysphoria is/isn't like, so please let me know of any inaccuracies and i'll gladly revise this 
> 
> anyhow, do check out selkieskin's fic, it's amazing!


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